dear friends and lovers.
saturday. a day of chores. for people who get high off of feeling accomplished, it is a good day, and for the rest of us... well, clean floors are nice. i've been sitting around this afternoon playing a little guitar. it tends to put me in a reflective mode... i play a song and i'm transported back to the time period when i wrote it... what i was thinking, where i was, how i was feeling (and whether or not i was even aware of those feelings at the time). music has a mysterious power like that. when i was graduating high school, i was obsessed with the band Third Eye Blind (not a secret) and in love with my friend erin (sort of a secret) and i remember asking her one day if she thought that lead singers in bands that do national tours are still transported back to where their consciousness was when they wrote a song, even if they are playing it for the 300th time. she wasn't sure. for a while i haven't been sure either, because the few times that i have gotten up and played in front of people, sometimes i am transported and sometimes i'm so damn nervous that i'll mess up the song its like i'm feeling my way through the song, remembering what i wrote mere seconds before i have to say it. i still don't have an answer to my question, except that for me, on lazy saturdays, i am still taken back to different times and places.
wednesday i was feeling a little sad. the day started out great with our 3 year old neighbor calling me out by name, "Jaime!" but later, when we are driving on my way to my teaching class, we pass by a building with the words "Agro-Tech" written on the front. Those two words sent my mind spiraling out of control. i started thinking about monsanto and how they create seeds for plants that don't produce usable seeds, and in this way farmers have to buy new crops of seeds every year and it keeps rural farmers in a vicious cycle. and then i started thinking about how we use and misuse so many plants anyway and how destructive we are to the soil and the earth in general... and it was all getting out of control on how hopeless it can seem to reverse some of the patterns of domination and then i saw a pregnant woman crossing the street. full of life, probably hope. and a little later that day, as we were leaving our class to go eat in the hotel of our teacher who wanted to have a little cake and ice cream to celebrate us finishing the class and also likes to eat very classy meals, we drive by this area where people stand in the streets selling things--from cell phone covers to peanuts to papayas. and this little girl walked right up to our window, she couldn't have been more than 5 years old, holding this papaya half the size of her body the way you would see a little girl holding her favorite doll... barefoot, rags for clothes, ratty hair... and she's trying to sell this large piece of fruit to us. and i just looked her right in the eyes. it was like looking into the most apparently innocent mirror that just happened to be reflecting the horrors of the west; or of capitalism; or of the darkest corners of my soul. either way i saw my own poverty clearly. the light turned green. we drove on.
josh and i did some exploring and climbed up to look at our roof. we have this cool little air vent thing in the middle of the house. wooden beams crisscross the area and we discussed carving all the names of JV's that had lived in the house from 04' to now. we'll see if that ever comes to fruition. we looked through some of the folders that are around but have never been shown to us and discovered suggestions for spirituality nights, old community member's folders, and the illusive map of the managua busses. it is one of the most amazing things, if you have ever used a bus in managua, its kinda like a floo powder (harry potter) in that if you don't take much caution, you won't end up where you're going, or at least not in one piece... but with a map, the possibilities are endless.
another thing i found was a modern day parable. i'll have to paraphrase it here for you... a young man was once standing by the edge of a river, when to his horror a baby came floating down the river. he of course jumped in and saved the baby and quickly alerted members of the town. soon after two babies came floating down the river, crying, and he jumped in and saved them too. other members of the town began to get worried, and formed a small committee. 4 babies, 10 babies... floating down the river... soon people were diving in and out on a very consistent basis. they were organized and they were saving almost all of the babies. but then there was 30 40 50 and they were still saving most of the babies, but often there was too many. some would float by to their obvious peril. a woman, one of the town members, shouted for the attention of the others and said, 'What if we form a committee to go upstream and see who is dumping all of these babies in the river?' 'no, we'll lose too many babies, we can't afford to lose any committed people' so they went on as they had, saving many, but losing some... who then had greater concern for the babies? those looking to prevent them from being thrown in or those looking to keep diving in and pulling some out?
take it for what you will, but sometimes i feel like so many of us struggle to pull out babies and never look deep to see if we are really a participant in throwing them in. maybe this is all getting confusing, and it is definately getting way too long. but before i wrap it up, i've got two short things to share. the other day as i rounded a corner on my way home a woman about 20 yards from me began yelling at me as if she recognized me and was Pissed at me. she started crossing the street (very slowly) so i walked a little faster. mental illnesses pretty much get left to their own here... although maybe she was a shaman and saw an evil spirit within me. yesterday (friday) on the way home from visiting the school where i'll be teaching, a little girl, about 4, was sitting on her mother's lap, and the little girl smiled at me, so i smiled back, and then she got my attention about 5 minutes later. there was a note sitting on the bus seat next to me that read "hi, do you want to be my friend? call me at (phone #) nadir martinez" ... it was tempting since i don't have a lot of 4 year old friends, but i wrote her a note back that said "hola nadir, sorry but i don't have a telephone, but i imagine that you would be a very good friend, my name is jaime, nice to meet you."
i feel like this entry is incomplete, because its all about experiences and not relationships (which i feel are much more important) but oh well. i'll write about those some other day. i love you all. spend a moment in solitude today.
james
1.21.2007
1.13.2007
luke or something
dear friends and lovers,
lately i have been living the fachento life. fachento is a word used here that means something along the lines of a little luxurious. class for english teachers with the fabretto program has begun. we sit in what is basically a meeting room, or a board room, if you will. white board on the wall, large table in the middle, air conditioning, coffee always ready, cold and hot water, a large tv, laptops with wireless access... its always amazing to me how much non-profits spend on their own comfort, but cést la vie, right? the change has been interesting since i leave in the morning and come home in the evening, but it is making me appreciate my community mates even more. there is something really really nice about coming home to people that i really love spending time with after a long (boringish) day. but it is useful and good to meet the other english teachers that will be working around
the other day we went to see daniel ortega get sworn in as the new president... after the official stuff, papers, promises, and handshakes, he came out to the waiting hundreds of thousands of people waiting in the plaza. a lot of fancy words from the first wife and then everyone got what they were waiting for. hugo chavez. he spoke eloquently about death to the northamerican imperialists and how capitalism is savage. give me socialism or give me death more or less. i listened. i try to respect his opinion as much as any one else's i've heard speak, from jon sobrino to megan heeney to the drunk men that call out to me to speak about bush. some people draw such a distinction between bush and chavez, but to me they are really just two people who think that by gaining power through the threat of violence they can somehow better the world. in that sense, they are both fools on the same side... the opposite side of they way in which god lived as a human being. when the devil tempted jesus with power over all the nations of the world because they belong to him, jesus refused to accept that. he instead left the desert more committed to living a life of service embracing the poverty of the world in order to sanctify it and transform it. anyway though, it was quite comical after chavez and evo morales were done talking, daniel began his speech and a lot of people started leaving… here there is a saying, “i’m a sandinista, not a danielista” which basically means that one supports the ideals of the revolutionary party, but not the man that has “become corrupt.” it must be difficult to be the president of a country where thousands start walking out on you when you begin talking after listening attentively to one of your “compatriots.” i’m not sure if i believe in corruption though… it makes it seem as if taking money from others that doesn’t belong to you isn’t already a part of the capitalism system. i think it is, but i was raised with money and opportunity earned off of the backs of other peoples, many already dead, slaves, indians, children, and the list goes on. and education? i’m supposed to somehow break the circle of poverty with education? i think rather i can help some succeed within the system that requires poverty, but who knows. thomas merton talked about reading a story about a man that he said was like jesus, was more than jesus, and he said that because in reading the story, his perspective of jesus was renewed and refreshed, while we carry soooo much baggage around with us about the person who is supposed to be the fullest manifestation of god. i have started reading the book of luke in spanish, in hopes of some rediscovery. but i ask you all to pray for me, i am struggling right now with understanding rather than being understood. i will keep all of you in my thoughts as well.
james
1.07.2007
january thoughts
dear friends and lovers,
hello and good evening. since my last update little has happened. i still sit here relaxing most mornings. reading a bit, having some oatmeal and coffee for breakfast. monday i will be the first volunteer to start doing something related to my work site, which will be english teacher training with the other english teachers in the padre fabretto program. i'm a little unclear on the history, but what i've picked up more or less is that padre fabretto was an italian priest, part of an order called the salecians (i don't know how to spell it) and he came to nicaragua. he had all these plans and wanted to stay here and work with the people when his order decided it was too dangerous and asked him to come home. instead he left his order to stay with the nicaraguan people. he started a program where he had 20 boys or so that had been homeless or in gangs live and work on a farm. he would wake them up at the crack of dawn, gave them classes and worked them. after their several years of school he basically released them into the world and said, there you have an education, now do something with it. controversial, but now the program consists of multiple schools in nicaragua that do mostly supplemental class work. so in reality, i will be teaching english classes to students that may already have taken some english or english isn't offered at the school they go to and in the afternoon they come to my class for it. i'm quite nervous about my first day in front of a many small nicaraguans, but god help me i hope i do okay.
this past week josh and mary went for their stays in el viejo... a small village where there is no electricity, dirt floors, bucket showers... a classic stay in the country. they thoroughly enjoyed their time there, especially their stay on the beach which was reportedly uninhabited except by the pigs that were swimming in the ocean, the occasional turkey that passed by and the dogs that roamed freely. they bought some fish from a local, mary learned to prepare them by gutting them and taking the scales off. as much as they enjoyed the experience of fresh fire fried fish, apparently the local love for fish eyes wasn't enough to convince mary or josh to eat them... they say they taste like squid eggs. seeing as that i've never had either, i won't pass any judgement on that. while they were gone it was just margie, adri, and me in the house. we had a good old dance party one night, just the 3 of us, the next night a puerto rican man named pedro came to stay with us. he is a friend of ramon, a former nicaraguan jesuit volunteer, and pedro's flight was leaving from managua, so he stayed in our house. it was fun, we played guitar and sang. margie and i spent most of our days sitting and reading, but one day the fumigator came by to take care of small mosquito issue we've been having. its a little better, i think, since he came, but its hard to say. the mosquitos don't number off or anything like that and they generally hide from light which makes it harder to tell.
the house is starting to feel like home as we do our chores and take care of each other. so far we are still in the, what do they call it, honeymoon phase or something like that... so we are all getting along pretty well. yet i hear from others that issues start coming up more and more as we try to live in community and our different ideas about what that means start conflicting... we'll see. issues that will come up soon... how we buy food, do we give food or drink or even money to people that ask us? hard issues, since most nicaraguans give a little here a little there to people that come and ask, but as part of our jv program, we really aren't supposed to give out money, although food is a different issue. some feel we shouldn't give out anything, sometimes i just don't know. i mean, all of the food i'm eating has come through begging... not door to door, but with letters and requests and generous donors. are we being like the biblical character that is given a great gift by having his debt erased only to turn around and demand a much smaller debt from an even poorer man? "give to everyone who asks you for something, and when someone takes what is yours, do not ask for it back" lk, 6.30. damn jesus. really? but doesn't that mean anyone that wants to can just take advantage of us, and take everything we have? maybe that is one more of those things jesus said that we just have to ignore. he was so disconnected from reality anyway.
ownership and possession and freedom are big words and bigger concepts that are bouncing around me head a lot. i guess that is a privilege i have, to sit around and think about big concepts while others work 12 hour days to eat. god help us all. i heard bush is sending more troops to iraq. news is so impersonal and we are so removed from it. maybe its better that way. in the tao of pooh, winnie the pooh bear teaches that news isn't what is really important or even happening in our lives anyway, but that we should be present and aware of our surroundings. in that case, a fan slowly swivels back and forth while margie marches around the house with her ipod singing to only her as she fights back the ever growing dust. annie dillard says the earth is constantly burying and unburying itself--but not without a fight from us! but i have sat still typing this for a while now, and think enough dust has collected, both on my body and in my thoughts. i leave you with love and a quote from a friend, breathe yr alive.
james
hello and good evening. since my last update little has happened. i still sit here relaxing most mornings. reading a bit, having some oatmeal and coffee for breakfast. monday i will be the first volunteer to start doing something related to my work site, which will be english teacher training with the other english teachers in the padre fabretto program. i'm a little unclear on the history, but what i've picked up more or less is that padre fabretto was an italian priest, part of an order called the salecians (i don't know how to spell it) and he came to nicaragua. he had all these plans and wanted to stay here and work with the people when his order decided it was too dangerous and asked him to come home. instead he left his order to stay with the nicaraguan people. he started a program where he had 20 boys or so that had been homeless or in gangs live and work on a farm. he would wake them up at the crack of dawn, gave them classes and worked them. after their several years of school he basically released them into the world and said, there you have an education, now do something with it. controversial, but now the program consists of multiple schools in nicaragua that do mostly supplemental class work. so in reality, i will be teaching english classes to students that may already have taken some english or english isn't offered at the school they go to and in the afternoon they come to my class for it. i'm quite nervous about my first day in front of a many small nicaraguans, but god help me i hope i do okay.
this past week josh and mary went for their stays in el viejo... a small village where there is no electricity, dirt floors, bucket showers... a classic stay in the country. they thoroughly enjoyed their time there, especially their stay on the beach which was reportedly uninhabited except by the pigs that were swimming in the ocean, the occasional turkey that passed by and the dogs that roamed freely. they bought some fish from a local, mary learned to prepare them by gutting them and taking the scales off. as much as they enjoyed the experience of fresh fire fried fish, apparently the local love for fish eyes wasn't enough to convince mary or josh to eat them... they say they taste like squid eggs. seeing as that i've never had either, i won't pass any judgement on that. while they were gone it was just margie, adri, and me in the house. we had a good old dance party one night, just the 3 of us, the next night a puerto rican man named pedro came to stay with us. he is a friend of ramon, a former nicaraguan jesuit volunteer, and pedro's flight was leaving from managua, so he stayed in our house. it was fun, we played guitar and sang. margie and i spent most of our days sitting and reading, but one day the fumigator came by to take care of small mosquito issue we've been having. its a little better, i think, since he came, but its hard to say. the mosquitos don't number off or anything like that and they generally hide from light which makes it harder to tell.
the house is starting to feel like home as we do our chores and take care of each other. so far we are still in the, what do they call it, honeymoon phase or something like that... so we are all getting along pretty well. yet i hear from others that issues start coming up more and more as we try to live in community and our different ideas about what that means start conflicting... we'll see. issues that will come up soon... how we buy food, do we give food or drink or even money to people that ask us? hard issues, since most nicaraguans give a little here a little there to people that come and ask, but as part of our jv program, we really aren't supposed to give out money, although food is a different issue. some feel we shouldn't give out anything, sometimes i just don't know. i mean, all of the food i'm eating has come through begging... not door to door, but with letters and requests and generous donors. are we being like the biblical character that is given a great gift by having his debt erased only to turn around and demand a much smaller debt from an even poorer man? "give to everyone who asks you for something, and when someone takes what is yours, do not ask for it back" lk, 6.30. damn jesus. really? but doesn't that mean anyone that wants to can just take advantage of us, and take everything we have? maybe that is one more of those things jesus said that we just have to ignore. he was so disconnected from reality anyway.
ownership and possession and freedom are big words and bigger concepts that are bouncing around me head a lot. i guess that is a privilege i have, to sit around and think about big concepts while others work 12 hour days to eat. god help us all. i heard bush is sending more troops to iraq. news is so impersonal and we are so removed from it. maybe its better that way. in the tao of pooh, winnie the pooh bear teaches that news isn't what is really important or even happening in our lives anyway, but that we should be present and aware of our surroundings. in that case, a fan slowly swivels back and forth while margie marches around the house with her ipod singing to only her as she fights back the ever growing dust. annie dillard says the earth is constantly burying and unburying itself--but not without a fight from us! but i have sat still typing this for a while now, and think enough dust has collected, both on my body and in my thoughts. i leave you with love and a quote from a friend, breathe yr alive.
james
1.06.2007
not a real entry
i will have a real entry soon... when i make one. but for now i'm on free internet, and i thought whoever reads this would like to know that i have a skype account now, my name is meinert.james so if i get on and you have added me we could talk for free. things are going well, more later.
jaime
jaime
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