dear friends and lovers,
teachers thoughout history have told of how there is absolutely nothing like seeing something click in your student's minds. while this is true, they don't often tell you that there is absolutly nothing like the moment after one of their most frustrating classes leaves and they get to relax for a moment. when my class of 15 to 20 year old's walks out, my whole body feels better. whew. maybe they refuse to learn for whatever reason, but i made it through another day. music. music has a healing power. it pummels one into submission. it exerts a power that drags you outside of yourself and into the realm of the unknowable. those scary places in the depths of one's self where truth blossoms. but normally i just hang on for dear life. and teach english. i've started teaching my level one and level two classes in the afternoon. i can't tell you how enjoyable level two classes were for me. i was able to start and finish the class in almost all english... this is something that i was told was necessary, but in reality, it is just exhausting to try and get people to figure out what i am talking about when sometimes i can just say the word in spanish, and even more exhausting to give the homework in spanish and have them still not understand me... so having a class of students with experience is good. i'm sure they didn't understand everything they said, but they struggled along and it seemed good. i guess we'll see over time. every day i squish onto a yellow school bus with 150 students and teachers. as one of my coworkers commented, every day riding the bus is an adventure. it is true. squished up against students aged 5 to 20. i commented to my co-worker julio today that in the united states it is illegal to have more than maybe 60 or 80 students on a bus. we double that easily though. now this may sound dangerous, and it is, but many modern conveniences are dangerous, even more so when used incorrectly, and that is something we've been doing for a while, sacrificing safety for convenience... i'm not talking about the positive kind of safety sacrificing where one is giving up their safety for the dignity of another human being, i'm thinking more like the giving up the relative safety of walking for a car, because it is faster and takes us further has air conditioning and maybe even a cd player. but its very much an immediate gratification thing. and if we take the short view, say the life span of a human person, average 75 years, instead of taking the longer view... the human persons that will come after us, the human beings that gave us life, and all the humans that struggle for life right now, all around us and around the world, simple things like driving a car are very selfish. i'm not saying global warming is for sure caused by cars, but lets be honest, the exhaust products created by burning fossil fuels is bad for human beings. and whether or not it is a direct link to higher asthma rates, or higher cases of lung cancer, or any other maladies, the fact that it is not good in the long run, but only convenient in the short run, is what makes me so offended by its very existence. just that i am a part of a species that creates things (guns, nukes, planes, cars etc.) that are not respecting the planet or life handed to us and not at all trying to cultivate the lives we are leaving for future people, makes me feel ill that we are so concerned with ourselves, and living the good life, a house on the hill in the burbs, kids in the best schools, and a great looking car. and then some people that live in this way have the audacity to call themselves "liberals" striving for change and betterment of the human situation. at least those whose motto is "get yours now" are honest to their lifestyle. and every day i sidle my way off of that bus of now only 80 or so people to catch a taxi to catch another bus to come home and turn on my gas oven and my lights, take a shower with water pressure and type on this here computer. so what? jenny lewis, the lead singer for the band rilo kiley and recent solo artist, did an album with the watson twins, a small folk duo, recently. on this little gem she puts this line out there, "for the evangelists, the communists, and the lefts and the rights, and the hypocrites the jesuits, and the blacks and the whites." i intentionlly left out a comma in there. i feel as if my life exists in uncertainty. am i a hypocrite? yep. a jesuit? part of the group ideal? yep. so what do we do with our hypocricy? do we live in it? let ourselves experience it? see where it moves us? ignore it? keep doing what we're doing and say for right now its the most we can do? acknowledge that hypocrisy is a sign that we are still connected with our past reality and still striving towards our potential existence? maybe some maybe all maybe none. teaching is a gift that some people are given by a society that (i think maybe) overvalues a certain type of education... an education that rather than empowering and opening, challenging and affirming, we have an education that is more about getting people in line and being able to perform certain pre-decided actions... is math important? of course. is business a good thing? how could it not be? is there value in poetry? only if it can be sold. i'm not sure if i have the gift of teaching or valuing education in the same way. its been a while since i wrote on here, and for that i am sorry. it has been entirely due to business. not just business in the sense that i'm working all the time and have stuff to do (although it has been that some) but also, during my free time i just don't feel like sitting down and typing a bunch. i would rather, honestly, be "busy" hanging out with my housemates, playing guitar or whatever else. so for that, i'm sorry that this form of communication is low on my priorities... but what do you expect from someone who got rid of his cell phone because it took him away from those around him and supported superficial forms of connection. we took a small retreat this past weekend also. it was really good. the beach, the waves, the running, the pain and punishment in the sand (that's for you alex). we all had a good hour or so to talk about our lives, the struggles and blessings that have in some bizarre way brought us all to the same place on the same beach under the same amazing blanket of stars (with several shooting stars!). also i've been trying to write a letter to my friend ellie craft lately, which has taken longer than expected, but i will always try to respond to anything i get (except facebook messages and forwards) for all of you i love you, and i think of you often, even if i have trouble letting you know. i appreciate all the prayers. good evening.
james
2.21.2007
2.06.2007
2nd month
Last night I celebrated, along with Mary, Margaret, and Josh, our 2 months here. We didn’t do much—squished the four of us into one bed and talked, but it was nice. Then this morning I woke up noticing that my feet hurt a little… I know the shoes I have don’t fit the best, but whatever. Then my belt was broken and it is only day 5 of teaching for me, and I was already like, “really?” so I’m not sure how much it is the teaching or the being here 2 months and starting to feel the time. I’m starting to notice the daily drudge if you will. I think this is maybe what they call the beginning of culture shock. Who knows? It’s that impatience with myself and the whole Spanish language that I’m starting to feel sometimes—like I just want to speak and be understood and be able to understand. Little clues like that. So even if I recognize it, what then? My first instinct was that I would go read about it. As if somehow knowledge about the topic will help me spiritually and emotionally. But that is a solution I somehow want to make often. So, do I just sit with the feelings of discomfort, be aware of them, and allow them to develop. I mean, its supposed to be a process that anyone entering another culture for a significant amount of time goes through. Pues, vamos a ver. I’m just trying to be aware that these feelings can skew my perspective on all kinds of things…
And then sometimes teaching can make it all better. It can be so tiring, but when the students are really really paying attention, and there are the few that come up after class to get a little more help and they put so much of themselves into it—its just so good. I can see how teaching can become addictive. As tiring as it is, it is energizing and forces me to be creative on my feet and aware of how the students are doing… should I slow down and take more time on this, are they getting it, do I realize while doing something that its totally pointless and I should focus on something else? Usually I’m holding my students until 2 or 3 minutes after and some stay a little more… which is a good thing.
Mary asked last night what things about ourselves we are hoping to change and what things we really want to stay the same. Not that I think that any of that is really in my control, but it is a good question to get me thinking. Are there things about myself that I want to hang on to? (the answer is yes) are there things that I want to change? (the answer is probably yes, but that means admitting that I have things to change J)… oddly enough, right now the second question is actually a little easier… I want to be more in touch with things that I already know but don’t necessarily live. How can I make that make sense. For example, I know I should be still and silent and delve into the silence of God more, but that doesn’t mean that I do it. Or being at peace with that which is out of my control. I have this bizarre idea that everything can be solved somehow if only all of the pieces of the puzzle are put together, and maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong, but I’ll never have all the pieces nor be able to put them together. I want to be able to listen better… I guess all of these things are live goals and lessons, but what better time to start and challenge myself than where I am now? I lack a certain internal calmness that I’ve had before… I have images of myself and I’m aware that at that time I was more tranquil… that has gone somewhere, and so I’m searching for it still. Now what do I want to hold onto. Maybe because I look at life as something in near constant flux or maybe because I believe that holding onto anything too tightly is foolish, I hope nothing is the same. Although that is foolish and impossible also because I have very little control over what changes or doesn’t change… in a way. If I finish my two years of volunteering and certain things are still the same, all the better, I guess, that I was doing okay before getting to where I am now. I guess I’m more worried that I’ll clam up to everything, or that I’ll think that I’ve already got the world figured out, and that that will keep me from changing at all. And the thought of being that stubbornly insistent scares me, because I know it is within me also.
This weekend I think some of us are going to get out of Managua. There is a way in which a large dirty city starts dragging on you. Or maybe there are other things dragging on us and we are trying to escape from that also. (as an aside, I have 6 kids standing around me watching me type, which is entertaining) I leave you all with love and thanks for your love and friendship over the years. I hope you are well.
james
And then sometimes teaching can make it all better. It can be so tiring, but when the students are really really paying attention, and there are the few that come up after class to get a little more help and they put so much of themselves into it—its just so good. I can see how teaching can become addictive. As tiring as it is, it is energizing and forces me to be creative on my feet and aware of how the students are doing… should I slow down and take more time on this, are they getting it, do I realize while doing something that its totally pointless and I should focus on something else? Usually I’m holding my students until 2 or 3 minutes after and some stay a little more… which is a good thing.
Mary asked last night what things about ourselves we are hoping to change and what things we really want to stay the same. Not that I think that any of that is really in my control, but it is a good question to get me thinking. Are there things about myself that I want to hang on to? (the answer is yes) are there things that I want to change? (the answer is probably yes, but that means admitting that I have things to change J)… oddly enough, right now the second question is actually a little easier… I want to be more in touch with things that I already know but don’t necessarily live. How can I make that make sense. For example, I know I should be still and silent and delve into the silence of God more, but that doesn’t mean that I do it. Or being at peace with that which is out of my control. I have this bizarre idea that everything can be solved somehow if only all of the pieces of the puzzle are put together, and maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong, but I’ll never have all the pieces nor be able to put them together. I want to be able to listen better… I guess all of these things are live goals and lessons, but what better time to start and challenge myself than where I am now? I lack a certain internal calmness that I’ve had before… I have images of myself and I’m aware that at that time I was more tranquil… that has gone somewhere, and so I’m searching for it still. Now what do I want to hold onto. Maybe because I look at life as something in near constant flux or maybe because I believe that holding onto anything too tightly is foolish, I hope nothing is the same. Although that is foolish and impossible also because I have very little control over what changes or doesn’t change… in a way. If I finish my two years of volunteering and certain things are still the same, all the better, I guess, that I was doing okay before getting to where I am now. I guess I’m more worried that I’ll clam up to everything, or that I’ll think that I’ve already got the world figured out, and that that will keep me from changing at all. And the thought of being that stubbornly insistent scares me, because I know it is within me also.
This weekend I think some of us are going to get out of Managua. There is a way in which a large dirty city starts dragging on you. Or maybe there are other things dragging on us and we are trying to escape from that also. (as an aside, I have 6 kids standing around me watching me type, which is entertaining) I leave you all with love and thanks for your love and friendship over the years. I hope you are well.
james
2.01.2007
work begins
Jan. 31st 2007
I sit at the apple computer in my classroom, 30 minutes before the first class I’ll be teaching. Nervous is a good word to describe how I’m feeling right now, but it doesn’t describe everything. I am also a little sad and a little confused. You see, this morning I had to tell the teachers at San Isidro public grade school that I wouldn’t be teaching there this year. That was after spending a week with them; helping clean the classrooms, prepare classes, and just getting to know them in general. They are amazingly fun women and men with crucial insights into the San Isidro community and its relationship with the Fabretto organization. I will still be seeing them, probably quite often, but it is simply not the same. At the end of the movie Shawshank Redemption, after the character Red is released from prison, he goes through various rationalizations for his feelings of discontentment, and finally settles on this one, “I guess I just miss my friend.” That is sort of how I feel. I just met these other teachers, and within a 48-hour period, our relationship was drastically changed. For Mike, the volunteer before me here, he spent much time with the San Isidro teachers, but for me, the program is changing and the schools are changing and I have to change with them…
It all started with Don Vincente at the bus stop. I get off and he is waiting for a taxi. He casually mentions that tomorrow in the morning I have a meeting. This gets me wondering why nobody had told me before (not a big deal) but also would he have told me if he hadn’t happened to be at the bus stop that day? Who knows? That afternoon I was in the Fabretto school and I was given the new Fabretto schedule by one of the office workers that had apparently been put together by the new SAT (tutorial style education) teachers this past Friday. See, Fabretto is going through some changes. Whereas last year Fabretto was just an after school program where Mike taught English, this year they are implementing a program that will allow people to get what in the US would be like a GED—so the equivalent of a high school education. They brought in the SAT teachers, changed the whole program and then a few days later I see the schedule. They had me teaching at 7am and at 11:30… it takes just over an hour every day for me to get to work, if the busses are running on time, so it was really unfeasible, closer to impossible, for me to come at 7 without waking up around 4:45 every day or so. But also, I realized, that if I were to change the times when I was working here, the classes would conflict with the classes that I was under the impression I would be teaching at the public grade school. When I asked the Fabretto English director about this, I was informed that I was contracted to Fabretto and she thought she had me all day. This is, in fact, true, but I was growing attached to the little public school, so I felt trapped. And when I told the public school director, Soledad, that I didn’t think I could teach there any more, she told me I had to put my foot down and tell them what I wanted to do… which I don’t think was really the best advice, but oh well. I thought for a while that I could work it out where I would teach at the grade school, 4 classes a week earlier in the morning and then come to Fabretto for my 10am class. But after talking my community and to the office, it became apparent that I would be trying to do too much, especially considering that I’m supposed to be teaching afternoon classes until 4 also… so, my schedule is basically worked out now, I just have to decide when to do the afternoon classes and for how long, but it has just been interesting navigating the Nicaraguan bureaucrazy (intentional) and losing the opportunity to teach the 5th and 6th graders… of which there are 42 fifth graders and 32 sixth graders (and 32 was referred to as very few, apparently once there was a 1st grade class with 63 or so). I remember Mike telling me that he hoped I had the opportunity to teach there in order to see the drastic difference between the public and private, but also because the teachers are so gang-busters. Pues, no más. So I will be teaching 5 different classes of SAT students twice a week, hardly enough to learn very much English, but oh well, and then the afternoon students, which I have yet to set up their class times, or how much how often I will do it……..
2 hours later, I have taught my first class! It went, well, well, considering that it was their first first first ever English class. I took my teaching teacher’s advice and just started with all English… jumped right into it, no holds barred. And it went okay. I could see that 2 of the students had actually had a little English, as one proceeded to call me over and count from 10 to 20… good for you kid, but I’m trying to teach us how to speak the language, not just repeat things we memorize… and I think that is the hardest part. They are used to their other classes where they take notes and memorize things, but I’m not doing that, I’m trying to get them to listen and repeat another language, read and write another language… so it’s a bit more tricky… but I think they understand “what is your name,” “my name is,” “what is his/her name,” “his/her name is,” and “where are you from,” “I am from” but I’m not really sure… although I think they definitely got the my name is part. I worked on that longer. It was fun, the kids are responsive. One little girl asked me how to say “tus ojos son bonitos” in English, and I told her that we are working on “my name is right now.” Maybe someday kid, but not in my class. It will take some time before I can see how well the students are going to behave on a regular basis… but they were well behaved today, I think the subject matter has them pretty intimidated so that they are trying to listen as much as possible. Oh well. We’ll see.
Community living this past week has been very good for me. I really feel us coming together in unexpected ways. I’m impressed especially by matt and andriana’s commitment to the new community; for whatever reason I thought they would still have more lingering attachments to the old community and have trouble reinvesting themselves. But nope. And, as adri said, we 4 bring in new energy and excitement for every little thing. So one funny little story for you all before this hits 2 pages long…
The other night Margie and I got into a discussion on whether or not the JVI handbook included, referenced, or even implied chastity as the recommendation for our living status. I thought it did, Margie insisted otherwise. So we kinda forgot about it, but last night I brought it back up and we broke out the handbook. Now there has been a running joke about volunteers never reading the handbook but always claiming to be, along with the office always reading it, even on their Friday nights. So imagine our surprise, as we discuss what it means when it says resistance and tolerance when the phone rings, and lo and behold, it is Kristen calling from the office. I’m not sure if she believed us when we said we were just reading and discussing the handbook, or if she wanted to believe us when she found out that the section of interest was on dating relationships and that myself and a community mate were discussing whether or not chastity is expected of us. But oh well. Kri took it well, and probably had a good laugh about it. I hope to hear from you soon. Drop me a line, leave a comment, whatever you like. Delve into yourself and you will discover that the kingdom of god is within you. Find it, follow it.
james
I sit at the apple computer in my classroom, 30 minutes before the first class I’ll be teaching. Nervous is a good word to describe how I’m feeling right now, but it doesn’t describe everything. I am also a little sad and a little confused. You see, this morning I had to tell the teachers at San Isidro public grade school that I wouldn’t be teaching there this year. That was after spending a week with them; helping clean the classrooms, prepare classes, and just getting to know them in general. They are amazingly fun women and men with crucial insights into the San Isidro community and its relationship with the Fabretto organization. I will still be seeing them, probably quite often, but it is simply not the same. At the end of the movie Shawshank Redemption, after the character Red is released from prison, he goes through various rationalizations for his feelings of discontentment, and finally settles on this one, “I guess I just miss my friend.” That is sort of how I feel. I just met these other teachers, and within a 48-hour period, our relationship was drastically changed. For Mike, the volunteer before me here, he spent much time with the San Isidro teachers, but for me, the program is changing and the schools are changing and I have to change with them…
It all started with Don Vincente at the bus stop. I get off and he is waiting for a taxi. He casually mentions that tomorrow in the morning I have a meeting. This gets me wondering why nobody had told me before (not a big deal) but also would he have told me if he hadn’t happened to be at the bus stop that day? Who knows? That afternoon I was in the Fabretto school and I was given the new Fabretto schedule by one of the office workers that had apparently been put together by the new SAT (tutorial style education) teachers this past Friday. See, Fabretto is going through some changes. Whereas last year Fabretto was just an after school program where Mike taught English, this year they are implementing a program that will allow people to get what in the US would be like a GED—so the equivalent of a high school education. They brought in the SAT teachers, changed the whole program and then a few days later I see the schedule. They had me teaching at 7am and at 11:30… it takes just over an hour every day for me to get to work, if the busses are running on time, so it was really unfeasible, closer to impossible, for me to come at 7 without waking up around 4:45 every day or so. But also, I realized, that if I were to change the times when I was working here, the classes would conflict with the classes that I was under the impression I would be teaching at the public grade school. When I asked the Fabretto English director about this, I was informed that I was contracted to Fabretto and she thought she had me all day. This is, in fact, true, but I was growing attached to the little public school, so I felt trapped. And when I told the public school director, Soledad, that I didn’t think I could teach there any more, she told me I had to put my foot down and tell them what I wanted to do… which I don’t think was really the best advice, but oh well. I thought for a while that I could work it out where I would teach at the grade school, 4 classes a week earlier in the morning and then come to Fabretto for my 10am class. But after talking my community and to the office, it became apparent that I would be trying to do too much, especially considering that I’m supposed to be teaching afternoon classes until 4 also… so, my schedule is basically worked out now, I just have to decide when to do the afternoon classes and for how long, but it has just been interesting navigating the Nicaraguan bureaucrazy (intentional) and losing the opportunity to teach the 5th and 6th graders… of which there are 42 fifth graders and 32 sixth graders (and 32 was referred to as very few, apparently once there was a 1st grade class with 63 or so). I remember Mike telling me that he hoped I had the opportunity to teach there in order to see the drastic difference between the public and private, but also because the teachers are so gang-busters. Pues, no más. So I will be teaching 5 different classes of SAT students twice a week, hardly enough to learn very much English, but oh well, and then the afternoon students, which I have yet to set up their class times, or how much how often I will do it……..
2 hours later, I have taught my first class! It went, well, well, considering that it was their first first first ever English class. I took my teaching teacher’s advice and just started with all English… jumped right into it, no holds barred. And it went okay. I could see that 2 of the students had actually had a little English, as one proceeded to call me over and count from 10 to 20… good for you kid, but I’m trying to teach us how to speak the language, not just repeat things we memorize… and I think that is the hardest part. They are used to their other classes where they take notes and memorize things, but I’m not doing that, I’m trying to get them to listen and repeat another language, read and write another language… so it’s a bit more tricky… but I think they understand “what is your name,” “my name is,” “what is his/her name,” “his/her name is,” and “where are you from,” “I am from” but I’m not really sure… although I think they definitely got the my name is part. I worked on that longer. It was fun, the kids are responsive. One little girl asked me how to say “tus ojos son bonitos” in English, and I told her that we are working on “my name is right now.” Maybe someday kid, but not in my class. It will take some time before I can see how well the students are going to behave on a regular basis… but they were well behaved today, I think the subject matter has them pretty intimidated so that they are trying to listen as much as possible. Oh well. We’ll see.
Community living this past week has been very good for me. I really feel us coming together in unexpected ways. I’m impressed especially by matt and andriana’s commitment to the new community; for whatever reason I thought they would still have more lingering attachments to the old community and have trouble reinvesting themselves. But nope. And, as adri said, we 4 bring in new energy and excitement for every little thing. So one funny little story for you all before this hits 2 pages long…
The other night Margie and I got into a discussion on whether or not the JVI handbook included, referenced, or even implied chastity as the recommendation for our living status. I thought it did, Margie insisted otherwise. So we kinda forgot about it, but last night I brought it back up and we broke out the handbook. Now there has been a running joke about volunteers never reading the handbook but always claiming to be, along with the office always reading it, even on their Friday nights. So imagine our surprise, as we discuss what it means when it says resistance and tolerance when the phone rings, and lo and behold, it is Kristen calling from the office. I’m not sure if she believed us when we said we were just reading and discussing the handbook, or if she wanted to believe us when she found out that the section of interest was on dating relationships and that myself and a community mate were discussing whether or not chastity is expected of us. But oh well. Kri took it well, and probably had a good laugh about it. I hope to hear from you soon. Drop me a line, leave a comment, whatever you like. Delve into yourself and you will discover that the kingdom of god is within you. Find it, follow it.
james
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