2nd month

Last night I celebrated, along with Mary, Margaret, and Josh, our 2 months here. We didn’t do much—squished the four of us into one bed and talked, but it was nice. Then this morning I woke up noticing that my feet hurt a little… I know the shoes I have don’t fit the best, but whatever. Then my belt was broken and it is only day 5 of teaching for me, and I was already like, “really?” so I’m not sure how much it is the teaching or the being here 2 months and starting to feel the time. I’m starting to notice the daily drudge if you will. I think this is maybe what they call the beginning of culture shock. Who knows? It’s that impatience with myself and the whole Spanish language that I’m starting to feel sometimes—like I just want to speak and be understood and be able to understand. Little clues like that. So even if I recognize it, what then? My first instinct was that I would go read about it. As if somehow knowledge about the topic will help me spiritually and emotionally. But that is a solution I somehow want to make often. So, do I just sit with the feelings of discomfort, be aware of them, and allow them to develop. I mean, its supposed to be a process that anyone entering another culture for a significant amount of time goes through. Pues, vamos a ver. I’m just trying to be aware that these feelings can skew my perspective on all kinds of things…

And then sometimes teaching can make it all better. It can be so tiring, but when the students are really really paying attention, and there are the few that come up after class to get a little more help and they put so much of themselves into it—its just so good. I can see how teaching can become addictive. As tiring as it is, it is energizing and forces me to be creative on my feet and aware of how the students are doing… should I slow down and take more time on this, are they getting it, do I realize while doing something that its totally pointless and I should focus on something else? Usually I’m holding my students until 2 or 3 minutes after and some stay a little more… which is a good thing.

Mary asked last night what things about ourselves we are hoping to change and what things we really want to stay the same. Not that I think that any of that is really in my control, but it is a good question to get me thinking. Are there things about myself that I want to hang on to? (the answer is yes) are there things that I want to change? (the answer is probably yes, but that means admitting that I have things to change J)… oddly enough, right now the second question is actually a little easier… I want to be more in touch with things that I already know but don’t necessarily live. How can I make that make sense. For example, I know I should be still and silent and delve into the silence of God more, but that doesn’t mean that I do it. Or being at peace with that which is out of my control. I have this bizarre idea that everything can be solved somehow if only all of the pieces of the puzzle are put together, and maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong, but I’ll never have all the pieces nor be able to put them together. I want to be able to listen better… I guess all of these things are live goals and lessons, but what better time to start and challenge myself than where I am now? I lack a certain internal calmness that I’ve had before… I have images of myself and I’m aware that at that time I was more tranquil… that has gone somewhere, and so I’m searching for it still. Now what do I want to hold onto. Maybe because I look at life as something in near constant flux or maybe because I believe that holding onto anything too tightly is foolish, I hope nothing is the same. Although that is foolish and impossible also because I have very little control over what changes or doesn’t change… in a way. If I finish my two years of volunteering and certain things are still the same, all the better, I guess, that I was doing okay before getting to where I am now. I guess I’m more worried that I’ll clam up to everything, or that I’ll think that I’ve already got the world figured out, and that that will keep me from changing at all. And the thought of being that stubbornly insistent scares me, because I know it is within me also.

This weekend I think some of us are going to get out of Managua. There is a way in which a large dirty city starts dragging on you. Or maybe there are other things dragging on us and we are trying to escape from that also. (as an aside, I have 6 kids standing around me watching me type, which is entertaining) I leave you all with love and thanks for your love and friendship over the years. I hope you are well.

james