mother's day

i've been meaning to update for a while now. i had many topics to cover. one that i still would like to share about at a later date is taking the time to discover our attachments that we think will bring us happiness. but another time. now it is raining. the rainy season has begun. around the same time as the rainy season comes mother's day in nicaragua. and today i had one of those "reality checks" as they are called. it won't be the last as i continually wake up to the world around me. in class today many of the students were not prepared for the english test, so throwing all convention to the wind i offered to put of the test and have a day where we make mother's day cards. it was a great idea. it went great with the first class. okay with the second class. the thrid group of students i had, though, were a little more restless and unsettled about the whole thing. i couldn't put my finger on it. rebecca, a young girl-- 15 years old, was impatiently asking me to draw a heart for her. rebecca is normally one of my best students. strangely enthusiastic and patient with the other students. so it struck me as strange that she was so agitated. i also made the classic teacher mistake of assuming that our best students need less attention than those that are struggling more. so i drew the heart and when she asked me to do something else for her i said i would come back and went to the 15 other students calling out "mr. meinert" "teacher" "come here." rebecca got impatient and left the room while i was asking another student--telling me he "couldn't do it" if he didn't think that his mother was worth the time and effort to draw a card for. riger, rebeccas daily teacher, came up to me. he sits in the english classes and participates regularly. he said to me, "james... the thing is... rebecca doesn't have a mom. she died a while ago. so you gotta take it a little easier on her. and also, carlos (another student) doesn't have a mom either" oh. damnit. i did it again. i got sucked in to caring about assignments and english and accomplishing things instead of enjoying class and being open to students to talking and listening and all those real reasons we exist as people. i know i wasn't created in the image of god to teach english but to be, to love, to listen. and so i sat in one of the desks as rebeca came back to the classroom with a poem she had printed off in spanish. she wanted to color it. of course you can. i sat there as a student played music on the stereo, another student danced, another swept my room because he offered, and rebecca and carlos finished their mother's day cards--two of the most beautiful cards with honesty, openness, and time put into them--and the beauty of it all weighed on me. E.B. White, author of charlotte's web, wrote for the New Yorker and wrote that it is not joy, but beauty that makes us cry. it is the "unexpected gift of sadness--of some bright thing unresolved, of some formless wish unattained and unattainable." and that was how i felt. class had ended and students were coming in and out. i stood up slowly. walked out. and it started to rain. happy mother's day.