junetime

dear friends and lovers,

blogging is not my specialty. your forgiveness is appreciated.

sometimes when i am sitting down before i go to sleep, breathing in and out and trying to calm myself so that i can have a little prayer time with god, i start thinking about my classes and the students i teach. they sneak in and i know i'm supposed to acknowledge them and let them go, but they are pretty demanding. and i imagine conversations i will have with certain individuals that i think will help them value education or better understand the grammer dealing with "there is" and on and on. and i stop and say to god, well, its obvious that my students are still on my mind and in my heart so i will try to offer them to you, these thoughts and hopes and potentials. i do this because the more time i'm here, the deeper my understanding is of my own personal helplessness. its just so big and theres just so much. there is the wars and violent conflicts going on all over the world, including iraq and afghanistan. there are the transnational corporations using slave labor in their factories in order to increase wealth and feed consumerism. there is the sex trade that takes advantage of young women and girls--vulnerable because of situations of injustice created by aggressive world capitalism destroying communities and thus individuals. and then once, 4 weeks ago i was standing on a beach staring up at the stars and everything seemed so small. not just myself but all of this. small and pointless. then a few days later at an orphanage i stared into the eyes of a 2 year old girl crying for attention and it all seemed so huge. filled with a world of hope and potential for life and love. and somewhere in the middle of nothingness and everythingness i find myself. i see that i can change nothing around me and am powerless to change even myself. and then i sit. i sit in quietness and ask god to keep driving, and pushing, and burning, and deepening. and maybe someday i will be able to find a balance between nothingness and everythingness and it will exist somewhere close to hereness and nowness and in that place i will be empty of myself to function as a channel of the love of BEING. and as for now i laugh and wonder and work and listen and listen and wait. and i hold my hand out, knowing i am powerless and helpless to take hold of my desires but knowing that simply holding my hand out is where i am right now.

james